America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
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I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
🔦🌙👣
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
And then there were 4
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*