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I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
The only equipped I am is ill.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]