I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
You Might Also Like
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!