Bike is short for Bichael.
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ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*