I have a new favorite meme page
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Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse