I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
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My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”