Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
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ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.