I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
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“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”