wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
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OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five