My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
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This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok