[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
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Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.