boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
You Might Also Like
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Oh boy, $150,000!
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Hank is one in a melon.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
“I FIXED IT!”
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?