DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
You Might Also Like
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?