[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
You Might Also Like
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston