What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
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Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Weirdos gonna weird.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
The booster protects against what, now?