God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
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I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?