I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
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Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!