Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
You Might Also Like
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.