Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
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I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.