From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
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[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
My neck my back my allergy attack
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.