kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
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Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.