Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
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If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess