Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
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My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
If I ignore life will it go away?
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.