I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
You Might Also Like
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.