Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
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Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Cheer up.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
A friend helps you before you need it
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.