The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
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My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Not all heroes wear capes…
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
[eulogy]
line?
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap