“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
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wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…