The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
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The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!