If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
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[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.