ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
You Might Also Like
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Grandmother clock.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.