I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
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Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
🙀🙀🙀😹
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do