When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
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Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Worst perfume name ever.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.