My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
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Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️