there’s probably a fee though
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My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Sell your car
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.