DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
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her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
😂🤣😂🤣
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*