High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
You Might Also Like
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT