If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
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The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.