In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
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I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Body by sandwich.
A classic…
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭