Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
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People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
No chill.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Meow
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!