Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
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Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Covid like
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper