*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
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Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.