Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
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Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?