The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
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I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
pls suprot
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.