Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
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Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Me irl
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.