Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
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My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.