What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
You Might Also Like
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.