God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
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U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”