My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
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I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.