Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
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Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?