me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
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Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
as is their right
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?